So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We left an ass print on the piano.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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