I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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