OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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