Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
