i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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