I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
