I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
