I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
