I think I died a long time ago.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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