Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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