I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize