my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize