and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
