Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
