I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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