Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
