Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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