the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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