Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
