I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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