At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Drunk walkin through police station. America
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize