When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Randomize
