just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize