he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
