I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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