i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
