That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
