the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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