I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
