Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
