I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
zippers are such a cool invention
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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