You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
