I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
