All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize