Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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