I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
