Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
