Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
