He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They took my balls.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
