when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
