guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
