ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
