I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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