I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
