I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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