I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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