Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
