Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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