Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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