i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
