i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
