I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
