I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
