When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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