maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
