I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
