Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
