the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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