she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
