I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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